The #1 Reason Why Relationships Fail

Millions of people around the world have believed that they found their soulmate, their twin flame, or “the one”...

Only for that relationship to turn into a flaming wreck.

...Or at least a slow burning fizzle of disappointment and pain.

There are currently many more for whom this process is currently playing out.

Why is this so common?

It is NOT because everyone’s ex is a narcissist.

It is NOT because of karma, "false twin flames", or because they didn’t 'do it right' in manifesting their partner.

In most of the cases I have observed and witnessed, it comes down to this:

At least one - usually both partners - went into the relationship with the most dangerous belief that anyone can have when it comes to relationships:

“I don’t need to learn healthy relationship skills, I’m already an expert.”

Or this variation: “I did the work, so it’s up to others to step up.”

Or "I'll just figure it out as I go."

In other words, the most destructive force in human relationships is a lack of humility.

A lack of humility - not a narcissist - is the most common cause of most painful relationship patterns.

The truth is, most people will never make the effort to get the kind of support that would transform their relationships.

99% of people will blame other people for their relationship problems until the end of their lives.

They will struggle and suffer on the cross of “It’s not me, it’s them. Other people are the problem.”

This is just a sad reality about human nature.

But it doesn’t have to be this way for everyone.

There are many people who are starting to awaken to a new reality.

That thriving relationships don’t just happen with the right person.

That it’s not just about luck, finding the perfect fantasy partner, or using the right tricks of seduction..

That instead, it’s about putting in the time and effort in learning how to co-create true intimacy.

Learning how to work with conflict in a healthier way. How to communicate more effectively. Learning how to deal with resentment. Learning how to collaborate instead of battle or control each other over different needs and desires.

Learning the difference between self-blame - and taking responsibility for our lives.

There are people who have gone through enough of the painful patterns in their lives to realize the truth:

Nothing changes if we hold onto the same attitudes and habits we have always had.

Nothing changes if we keep giving our power away to blame.

Nothing changes if we keep accumulating more and more awareness through books and online resources, but don’t learn how to EMBODY that awareness.

There are people who have gone through enough emotional hell and are willing to do whatever it takes to stop repeating those patterns.

Even if it means getting really honest with themselves.

Even if it means putting in time, energy and true commitment into a new way of doing things.

These are the people I work with in my coaching, the people I choose to have around me, and the people who are paving a new way for humanity.

A new paradigm of healthy, harmonious and powerfully healing relationships.

Ultimately, the question we are all faced with is this:

“How much did I invest in the things that really mattered to me?”

“How much was I a passive passenger in my love life - instead of a proactive agent of change, transformation and renewal?”

- Serdar Hararovich

Blaming Your Partner: The Healthy Alternative

We all deserve loving partnerships that meet our most essential attachment needs.

The problem is how we respond when our needs are NOT being met.

The way we respond is determined by our past experiences, unhealed wounds, nervous system skills and overall relational skillset.

The way we respond then determines the way our relationship (or dating experience) goes.

Will you repeat the same responses and get the same results?

Or find a new pathway through to a new way of relating?

Unless you are actively learning & PRACTICISING an entirely new (and EFFECTIVE) way of responding to situations - most people simply revert to what they have always done.

Most people find a way to blame the other person, make them wrong, argue, name-call - or just experience resentment, withdraw and close off.

There is often also a power struggle that occurs, where we are "fighting" to be heard and for our needs and desires to be met.

This reflects the fact that many people go into relationships believing that, unlike everything else in life, relationships will just 'work themselves out' if it's 'meant to be'.

In a lot of cases, people just don't know where to turn to for skills and tools that genuinely work. So they might just stay stuck with what they already know, or passively taking in decontextualized information they find online.

Sadly, this approach often leads to years of suffering, instability and years spent in patterns that sometimes we spiritually bypass as "growth" - when in reality, the reason these patterns last so long is because we don't have the skills that are genuinely helpful and necessary to overcome these patterns.

Resilience through challenging situations is a wonderful thing, but it's not the same thing as learning new skills to stop repeating the same patterns.

This is NOT the only way to grow. There are alternatives.

There is a healthier, more effective way of meeting the challenges of intimacy.

To learn them and embody them, we often have to first be able to see that what we have been putting up with is not serving us.

When people become used to unhealthy patterns over periods of time, it becomes 'normal' to them.

Their baseline for what is 'normal' and 'tolerable' changes. They get used to living with insecurity and instability, without realising how it's impacting every aspect of their lives.

When insecurity and instability in relationships feels normal, it's impossible to see the invisible impacts of this on our lives, our work, and the choices we make in life - which often become more based on short-term pleasure rather than long-term happiness.

This is because human beings are not designed to thrive in insecure and unstable relationships and situationships. It causes stress and anxiety and induces behaviour designed for immediate survival at the expense of long-term goals.

One of the many consequences of this is that people will opt for short-term band-aids rather than seeking out a long-term or even medium-term solutions such as Attachment-Informed Coaching (what I do).

Life-long patterns take time to heal from. There are no single healing session or week-long retreat that will change how a person shows up in intimate partnership.

To do that requires a commitment.

Whenever a person makes that commitment with me, I am always genuinely impressed by their courage and willingness to take that next step.

The courage it takes to work with someone who you know is going to be real with you, is not a small thing.

The courage to look at your own behaviour honestly and transparently (and compassionately), and not blame others.

The courage it takes to invest in your future, when the survival part of you is shouting "No, we need to focus on just surviving right now".

For the many who have made this choice, I have nothing but respect and I hope that you continue to make that commitment to yourself and your healing for as long as it takes.

For those who are struggling in the here and now and aren't there yet - I have also been there. I hope you continue to find your way to where you need to be to overcome whatever patterns may be playing out in your life, in the ways that are most appropriate for you.

We are not destined to live our lives in the shadows of our past. We all have the capacity to create a new pathway for ourselves through self-awareness, powerful guidance, and grounded healing. Everyone deserves to access that power.

- Serdar Hararovich

It’s Not Just Your Trauma

The increasing awareness of the impact of trauma in recent years has been positive and much needed in a traumatizing culture.

Yet like many topics, the raised awareness of these issues has also led to a loss of nuance and understanding.

Something missing in the conversations about trauma is this:

You can be severely impacted by your childhood experiences, without a specific or acute trauma in the standard sense of the word.

Much of your life, your relationship patterns and who you are can actually be shaped not just by what DID happen to you… but also what did NOT happen to you.

The love and attunement you didn't receive.

The curiosity about your inner experience that was rarely there.

The acceptance of your FULL range of emotions.

The celebration and encouragement of your authentic self.

The stability and consistency that didn't exist.

The sense of being cherished for who you are - not for what you DO, or what you achieved as a child.

The healthy, compassionate guidance that you didn’t receive.

Missing out on these things doesn't always mean you have acute ‘trauma’ - even though it can leave an impact that is just as profound.

These missing experiences are called 'attachment wounds' or 'attachment injuries' in the field of Attachment Theory.

They are our deep emotional needs that have gone unmet.

They are the thousand small experiences that add up to an unconscious blueprint of what we come to expect in relationships, how we feel about ourselves, and how we react in certain situations.

Absences like these are profoundly impactful on us:

They can be the reasons why we keep attracting unavailable partners, why we feel anxious in relationships, or why we struggle to have healthy boundaries.

They can also be why we are avoidant in relationships, and why we withdraw when someone gets too close to us emotionally.

To truly heal from the impact of such experiences, we need to understand the nuances of that impact beyond simply calling it all trauma.

Trauma healing work - such as somatic work - can be profoundly healing with acute trauma.

Yet in many cases, it will NOT heal these kinds of attachment issues. It was never DESIGNED for that in the first place.

Likewise, working on your nervous system - without ALSO working on the distorted attachment blueprints that are often CAUSING emotional dysregulation - is only partially helpful.

Nervous system work will not heal the attachment wound that is continually activating the nervous system.

To heal from the impact of attachment wounds, we need something entirely different.

As a result of the groundbreaking work that has been done in the field in the last decade, we now know what DOES heal attachment wounds.

To heal, we need to experience all of the things that we missed out on.

We need to experience the deep, full, and unconditional acceptance of our true self.

We need to experience celebration of who we actually ARE - not what we DO.

We need to experience a deep sense of security and safety in closeness.

We need to experience what it’s like to rely on someone, and trust that deeply.

We need to experience what it’s like to have our own space, and trust that deeply.

We need to experience what it’s like to not be invalidated - to have our feelings and experiences truly heard on every level.

We need to experience these things in a specific set & setting that allows us to fully take it in, to reach the parts of us that never got to experience this.

We need to experience these things in a way that does NOT make our dates & partners responsible for giving us these experiences.

The reality is, they will never be able to offer it to us as completely as what we need. They are not our parents and it is not their responsibility to take that on.

There is a magical process that has been created to allow someone to experience this in the deepest way possible, and in a relatively short period of time. This is the process that I guide the people who work with me through.

When a person gets to experience everything they always needed in this very unique and embodied way, they start to find true peace in their life.

Our relationships to others change. We are no longer stuck in our inner child, or in a power struggle with our partner for them to fill in the holes from our childhood.

We are no longer unconsciously looking for a partner who reactivates all our wounds, and then insist that they change.

We can finally escape those wound cycles.

We evolve into our integrated, adult self.

We start to relate to people from a place of wholeness, that is neither co-dependant nor hyper-independent.

We start to know the meaning of true intimacy, of true togetherness.

It’s the most profound pattern-breaker I’ve ever witnessed.

Everything we missed out on is still part of us. Those parts of us are always waiting, waiting until they can experience something they never got a chance to experience.

- Serdar Hararovich

Self-Protection, Mistrust & the Anxious/Avoidant Dance

Love emerges between two people as they get to know each other.

The way you light a candle.

The way you show your love.

The way you share your appreciation.

Your playfulness.

Your quirks and your vulnerabilities.

Your fears and your dreams.

In the dating phase of a connection, we allow more and more of these aspects of ourselves to show.

If we feel safe in ourselves - meaning if we have Secure Attachment - then we will feel safe enough to be vulnerable in these ways.

We will be present and open with the person in front of us.

We will constructively work with our fears, instead of react or project from them.

We have an inner sense that “I will be okay” even IF the other person ultimately rejects us.

Sure, there will be disappointment, but there’s a comforting sense that it’s not the end of the world.

We have decided we want to get to know this person better, and it’s worth the risk. The only way for them to also get to know us, is to let them see who we are.

We feel confident they will like what they see.

We feel confident to show up without excessive self-protection, nor the need to play it cool.

This is what happens when we have experienced Secure Attachment.

***

The story is very different if we never got to experience Secure Attachment.

When a person develops Insecure Attachment (Anxious Attachment, Avoidant Attachment & Disorganized Attachment),

They often don’t feel secure enough to show their full self.

They never got to experience the security of knowing that who they are is deeply valuable.

They never got to experience the security of knowing that it’s safe to be vulnerable.

What this can mean is that instead of leading with openness and appreciation,

The person will instead lead with self-protection and fear.

They will lead with mistrust or anxiety.

They will lead with interview-style questions, instead of presence and openness.

This is understandable:

It feels vulnerable to truly open to love when you may be rejected.

This is even more so if love has not been a consistent, safe, reliable thing in our lives.

***

Yet here’s the thing…

When we wait until a future event in order to show up in our fullness (such as the commitment stage of a relationship) - we block love from emerging in the here and now.

Emotionally healthy, Securely Attached people are looking for partners who are like themselves: Open, authentic, and generous in their love.

When we prevent others from seeing, knowing and feeling the depths of our heart, we prevent them from being able to see us and love us in our wholeness.

A Securely Attached person chooses to be with another person because they can feel that person fully, and can see a future with them.

An Insecurely Attached person chooses to be with another person because they can’t really feel them fully, and it’s triggering their wounds.

That’s why Insecurely Attached people often pick each other: The common Anxious / Avoidant pairing.

***

So what’s the solution to this pattern?

Everyone is capable of becoming Securely Attached.

However, the most common ways of going about this don’t work.

Some therapeutic & personal development techniques address some of this, but usually it’s only scratching the surface.

People often find that they have improved after 5 or 10 years of self-development, but are still strongly entrenched inside their dominant attachment patterning.

Despite the improvements, they keep experiencing similar kinds of relationship issues - just in different forms and variations.

This is a sign that something new is needed.

To heal, an Insecurely Attached person needs to experience all the things that they missed out on so that they can develop the Security that they never had the chance to develop.

There is a powerful new process that I use that takes people through the 5 core experiences needed to become Securely Attached.

It’s the only process that has been demonstrated to help people become Secure within a relatively short period of time.

I won’t go into the details here, but I will say that when guiding people through this process, it’s truly moving and magical to witness the transformation in people’s relationship to themselves and to others.

When we don’t get what we need as children, we often try to get our adult partners to fill the missing pieces.

We will plead, insist, or blame others until we do this healing work.

Don’t wait until these wounds repeat another cycle.

Don’t wait until another round of pain, frustration and disconnect to take action.

I’ve seen the tragic outcomes time and time again when people put off this work.

When we were children, we didn’t have the power to change our circumstances. As adults, we have the agency to make new choices to create a new reality in our lives.

- Serdar Hararovich

Secure Attachment: What is it like to become Secure as an adult?

- "It's not safe for me to share my needs" gets transformed into a deeply felt sense of "It is completely safe for me to share my needs, and I can do it in a loving way."

- "I have to keep over-giving and proving my worth to this person" transforms into an embodied sense of "I feel worthy of love without ever needing to over-give or self-abandon."

- "I will be abandoned / they will lose interest" gets transformed into a felt sense of "I am safely connected and secure - I don't have to worry anymore."

- "I have to secure a commitment quickly" transforms into "I want to get to know this person over time to see if they are actually a good fit for me."

- "They're not meeting my needs so they aren't right for me" transforms into "I'm disappointed and frustrated. I'm going to have a collaborative discussion with them at an appropriate time to see if we can resolve this."

- "It's not safe to rely on others" gets transformed into "It finally feels safe to rely on others."

- "Other people's needs are too much pressure - there's no space for me." gets transformed into "Both my needs and other people's needs can co-exist safely. One person's needs never have to dominate the others."

- "If I share my true authentic self, I will be rejected" gets transformed into "I love being with people who see & celebrate my authentic self."

- "I'll be utterly alone without this person, so I have to be whoever I need to be to keep them" gets transformed into "It's safe for me to have my own way of doing things, my unique quirks and own identity - and I trust that I will be accepted. If not, I trust that I will find someone who will accept me."

Please note: these are not affirmations. Affirmations do not create Secure Attachment.

These are instead verbal translations of what is happening on a much deeper, unconscious level during the process of becoming Secure - an embodied and felt experience of inner security.

Secure Attachment gives us the power to access our deepest potential. To live our lives from our true self.

Secure Attachment allows us to enjoy the incredible richness of secure, soulful intimacy and really take it in.

As human beings, we come alive in the presence of secure love.

- Serdar Hararovich

How Self-Fulfilling Prophecies Sabotage Love & Dating

The way you treat someone, changes the way they treat you.

If you consciously or unconsciously expect someone to hurt or disappoint you, you will treat them coldly and be more distant than usual.

When that person sees that you are treating them with coldness and distance for no apparent reason (because they know they are a good person) - they might be wary of you, and treat you with similar level of coldness and distance.

Emotionally healthy people don't like to be interacted with as if they are the person who hurt or mistreated you in your past.

They may have patience, but usually they would simply rather spend time with people who see the good in them and treat them as such.

They might then withdraw, leave, or otherwise keep an emotional distance from you.

You might then think, "I knew it, they're such an a*hole or b*ch. Good thing I never really trusted them."

Meanwhile, the reality is that you created a self-fulfilling prophecy based on your inner blueprint of intimacy, which is still expecting the worst of other people.

Your unconscious expectations caused a reaction in the other person that ultimately reinforced your negative expectations and projections.

This is just one example. This happens with all kinds of other situations:

- Expecting a person to be Avoidant, and then displaying anxious behaviours that actually make the person avoid you more than they otherwise would have.

- Not getting your needs met in a relationship, and then communicating in unhealthy ways that make it even LESS likely that your needs will be met.

In psychological terms, this is called "Behavioural Confirmation".

Most people are constantly reinforcing their negative or unhelpful expectations, assumptions and beliefs in this way. It's not intentional and it's not a conscious process.

This is why people's patterns in relationships and dating often repeat for many years. It's tragic, but it doesn't have to be this way forever.

Healing starts by recognising that this is happening (usually with the support of someone who can illuminate your blindspots), and beginning the process of updating your blueprint with a healthier map of intimacy.

This is what becoming Securely Attached is about. This is what I do with people.

To become Securely Attached, you need to have positive new corrective experiences to update your inner blueprint, which means you can stop creating these self-fulfilling prophecies that aren't serving you.

With Secure Attachment, you become liberated from the chains of your past experiences and patterns that keep you stuck in these cycles.

With Secure Attachment, you are finally free to align with and keep the kinds of relationships you've always dreamed of.

Everyone deserves this, but we have to confront our patterns that are getting in the way first.

The process I use to help people to become Secure is the only process that I know of that's been demonstrated to help people become Secure within a relatively short period of time, instead of the many years it takes most people.

It creates an entirely new blueprint of security for a whole new level of intimacy and closeness.

- Serdar Hararovich

Emotional Safety and Attachment Styles

Emotional safety is the basis of all intimacy, yet our Attachment Style can mean that no matter who we are with, we don’t feel emotionally safe.

It can also mean that we are not attracted to emotional safety.

Let me elaborate:

- Avoidant Attachment means a person does not feel safe to open up and emotionally rely upon another person.

What that means is even if their partner could be a safe person for them - a deep part of them still doesn't trust that, and still won't feel safe. .

- Anxious Attachment means a person is used to a lack of emotional safety - and will unintentionally respond to situations in a way that amplifies that feeling.

What this means is even if they choose a partner who is Securely Attached (which is very rare) - they will often still not feel secure in that relationship.

They usually carry their inner fears into all intimate partnerships, no matter who's on the other side.

The main exception to this is within relationships where they don't feel too emotionally invested.

Those inner fears often lead to unintentional behaviours / actions / statements that erode the emotional safety of a relationship - both for themselves, and the other person.

There's this idea that the best way to heal is to simply find a Secure partner. This is misguided for many reasons.

A Secure partner cannot make up for the inner work their partner hasn't done yet.

They are not going to self-abandon to play the hero or saviour role.

A Secure person generally has good boundaries, and will eventually leave a partner who is continually demonstrating emotionally unsafe behaviours / reactions / statements.

But this is not inevitable - everyone can become Securely Attached and learn how to show up in ways that promote emotional safety for themselves and their partner.

Everyone can learn how to respond instead of react, and to overcome their old relationship patterns no matter how long they've been happening.

However it does take time, commitment and persistence. Habits that have been formed over decades take time to shift.

Emotional safety is the foundation of a relationship, and it is a co-creation.

We need to do the ground work of healing our relationship patterns in order to truly take in the emotional safety someone else is offering us, to be attracted to that in the first place, and of being able to offer it to them as well.

Your Partner Is Not A Need-Meeting Machine

“I have a need for......" is often an example of ineffective communication.

If you are 'stating your needs' and wondering why it isn’t working, let's look at what's going on.

Becoming aware of your needs within a relationship is very important and helpful.

For many people, developing the ability to identify & express one's needs is a long and sacred journey - one that I have been a passionate advocate for over 4 years with my coaching clients.

However, the WAY you express those needs matters.

When you tell someone, "I have a need for...." - if the undercurrent and expectation within that statement is this:

"Therefore, you have to find a way to meet that need - because I said it's a need."

Then that is NOT an example of healthy communication.

Instead, it’s an example of non-collaborative communication - the kind that leads to unnecessary power struggles in relationships & dating.

Here’s the thing…

Your needs matter, and your partner should be able to work with you to meet some of them.

Your partner IS responsible for caring about you.

Your partner IS responsible for treating you well. For taking you into account. For caring about what matters to you.

But they are not your personal need-meeting machine.

They don't exist to do what you need them to do.

This is one significant difference between co-dependency and inter-dependence:

In co-dependency, we fall over ourselves to meet each other's needs because self-abandonment is woven into the heart of the relationship.

"I will give up myself for you - so you have to as well.”

So how do partner's meet each other's needs in an interdependent relationship?

It begins by respecting the agency of your partner.

You are you. Your partner is a completely different human being.

Making a demand - regardless of how consciously it's presented as a ‘need’ statement - is not respecting someone's agency.

Respecting your partner's own agency means being willing to take into consideration what they need and what THEY are available for.

It means acknowledging that they may not actually be able to - or want to - meet your need in certain cases.

It means making it safe for someone to say “no” to you.

It means learning how to deal with disappointment.

Naturally, that can be a tough thing to face when we are sharing a need after weeks - or months - of staying silent about something that's important to us.

But that’s the deep work of healthy relating.

The truth is that couples who respect each other's agency in this way, actually find it much easier to get their needs met with each other.

Because they are no longer doing things for each other out of obligation, fear or resentment.

There are ways in which you can communicate that will radically increase the chances of a positive response from your partner.

There are ways to communicate that completely eliminate defensiveness and power struggles.

Because when your partner feels respected for their agency and personhood, they often WANT to meet more of your needs.

They will WANT to hear more about your needs.

They will often WANT to be there for you.

This is the power of effective communication.

Want to learn how to master this in a few hours?

My self-paced course, "The Art of True Intimacy", is a comprehensive guide that uses practical examples and realistic scenarios to illustrate what healthy communication and deep intimacy looks like and sounds like.

- Serdar Hararovich