Emotional Safety and Attachment Styles

Emotional safety is the basis of all intimacy, yet our Attachment Style can mean that no matter who we are with, we don’t feel emotionally safe.

It can also mean that we are not attracted to emotional safety.

Let me elaborate:

- Avoidant Attachment means a person does not feel safe to open up and emotionally rely upon another person.

What that means is even if their partner could be a safe person for them - a deep part of them still doesn't trust that, and still won't feel safe. .

- Anxious Attachment means a person is used to a lack of emotional safety - and will unintentionally respond to situations in a way that amplifies that feeling.

What this means is even if they choose a partner who is Securely Attached (which is very rare) - they will often still not feel secure in that relationship.

They usually carry their inner fears into all intimate partnerships, no matter who's on the other side.

The main exception to this is within relationships where they don't feel too emotionally invested.

Those inner fears often lead to unintentional behaviours / actions / statements that erode the emotional safety of a relationship - both for themselves, and the other person.

There's this idea that the best way to heal is to simply find a Secure partner. This is misguided for many reasons.

A Secure partner cannot make up for the inner work their partner hasn't done yet.

They are not going to self-abandon to play the hero or saviour role.

A Secure person generally has good boundaries, and will eventually leave a partner who is continually demonstrating emotionally unsafe behaviours / reactions / statements.

But this is not inevitable - everyone can become Securely Attached and learn how to show up in ways that promote emotional safety for themselves and their partner.

Everyone can learn how to respond instead of react, and to overcome their old relationship patterns no matter how long they've been happening.

However it does take time, commitment and persistence. Habits that have been formed over decades take time to shift.

Emotional safety is the foundation of a relationship, and it is a co-creation.

We need to do the ground work of healing our relationship patterns in order to truly take in the emotional safety someone else is offering us, to be attracted to that in the first place, and of being able to offer it to them as well.