Your Partner Is Not A Need-Meeting Machine

“I have a need for......" is often an example of ineffective communication.

If you are 'stating your needs' and wondering why it isn’t working, let's look at what's going on.

Becoming aware of your needs within a relationship is very important and helpful.

For many people, developing the ability to identify & express one's needs is a long and sacred journey - one that I have been a passionate advocate for over 4 years with my coaching clients.

However, the WAY you express those needs matters.

When you tell someone, "I have a need for...." - if the undercurrent and expectation within that statement is this:

"Therefore, you have to find a way to meet that need - because I said it's a need."

Then that is NOT an example of healthy communication.

Instead, it’s an example of non-collaborative communication - the kind that leads to unnecessary power struggles in relationships & dating.

Here’s the thing…

Your needs matter, and your partner should be able to work with you to meet some of them.

Your partner IS responsible for caring about you.

Your partner IS responsible for treating you well. For taking you into account. For caring about what matters to you.

But they are not your personal need-meeting machine.

They don't exist to do what you need them to do.

This is one significant difference between co-dependency and inter-dependence:

In co-dependency, we fall over ourselves to meet each other's needs because self-abandonment is woven into the heart of the relationship.

"I will give up myself for you - so you have to as well.”

So how do partner's meet each other's needs in an interdependent relationship?

It begins by respecting the agency of your partner.

You are you. Your partner is a completely different human being.

Making a demand - regardless of how consciously it's presented as a ‘need’ statement - is not respecting someone's agency.

Respecting your partner's own agency means being willing to take into consideration what they need and what THEY are available for.

It means acknowledging that they may not actually be able to - or want to - meet your need in certain cases.

It means making it safe for someone to say “no” to you.

It means learning how to deal with disappointment.

Naturally, that can be a tough thing to face when we are sharing a need after weeks - or months - of staying silent about something that's important to us.

But that’s the deep work of healthy relating.

The truth is that couples who respect each other's agency in this way, actually find it much easier to get their needs met with each other.

Because they are no longer doing things for each other out of obligation, fear or resentment.

There are ways in which you can communicate that will radically increase the chances of a positive response from your partner.

There are ways to communicate that completely eliminate defensiveness and power struggles.

Because when your partner feels respected for their agency and personhood, they often WANT to meet more of your needs.

They will WANT to hear more about your needs.

They will often WANT to be there for you.

This is the power of effective communication.

Want to learn how to master this in a few hours?

My self-paced course, "The Art of True Intimacy", is a comprehensive guide that uses practical examples and realistic scenarios to illustrate what healthy communication and deep intimacy looks like and sounds like.

- Serdar Hararovich