Blaming Your Partner: The Healthy Alternative

We all deserve loving partnerships that meet our most essential attachment needs.

The problem is how we respond when our needs are NOT being met.

The way we respond is determined by our past experiences, unhealed wounds, nervous system skills and overall relational skillset.

The way we respond then determines the way our relationship (or dating experience) goes.

Will you repeat the same responses and get the same results?

Or find a new pathway through to a new way of relating?

Unless you are actively learning & PRACTICISING an entirely new (and EFFECTIVE) way of responding to situations - most people simply revert to what they have always done.

Most people find a way to blame the other person, make them wrong, argue, name-call - or just experience resentment, withdraw and close off.

There is often also a power struggle that occurs, where we are "fighting" to be heard and for our needs and desires to be met.

This reflects the fact that many people go into relationships believing that, unlike everything else in life, relationships will just 'work themselves out' if it's 'meant to be'.

In a lot of cases, people just don't know where to turn to for skills and tools that genuinely work. So they might just stay stuck with what they already know, or passively taking in decontextualized information they find online.

Sadly, this approach often leads to years of suffering, instability and years spent in patterns that sometimes we spiritually bypass as "growth" - when in reality, the reason these patterns last so long is because we don't have the skills that are genuinely helpful and necessary to overcome these patterns.

Resilience through challenging situations is a wonderful thing, but it's not the same thing as learning new skills to stop repeating the same patterns.

This is NOT the only way to grow. There are alternatives.

There is a healthier, more effective way of meeting the challenges of intimacy.

To learn them and embody them, we often have to first be able to see that what we have been putting up with is not serving us.

When people become used to unhealthy patterns over periods of time, it becomes 'normal' to them.

Their baseline for what is 'normal' and 'tolerable' changes. They get used to living with insecurity and instability, without realising how it's impacting every aspect of their lives.

When insecurity and instability in relationships feels normal, it's impossible to see the invisible impacts of this on our lives, our work, and the choices we make in life - which often become more based on short-term pleasure rather than long-term happiness.

This is because human beings are not designed to thrive in insecure and unstable relationships and situationships. It causes stress and anxiety and induces behaviour designed for immediate survival at the expense of long-term goals.

One of the many consequences of this is that people will opt for short-term band-aids rather than seeking out a long-term or even medium-term solutions such as Attachment-Informed Coaching (what I do).

Life-long patterns take time to heal from. There are no single healing session or week-long retreat that will change how a person shows up in intimate partnership.

To do that requires a commitment.

Whenever a person makes that commitment with me, I am always genuinely impressed by their courage and willingness to take that next step.

The courage it takes to work with someone who you know is going to be real with you, is not a small thing.

The courage to look at your own behaviour honestly and transparently (and compassionately), and not blame others.

The courage it takes to invest in your future, when the survival part of you is shouting "No, we need to focus on just surviving right now".

For the many who have made this choice, I have nothing but respect and I hope that you continue to make that commitment to yourself and your healing for as long as it takes.

For those who are struggling in the here and now and aren't there yet - I have also been there. I hope you continue to find your way to where you need to be to overcome whatever patterns may be playing out in your life, in the ways that are most appropriate for you.

We are not destined to live our lives in the shadows of our past. We all have the capacity to create a new pathway for ourselves through self-awareness, powerful guidance, and grounded healing. Everyone deserves to access that power.

- Serdar Hararovich