Becoming Securely Attached

There are 5 Conditions for Secure Attachment. These are the things we need as children from our parents to become Securely Attached. They are also the experiences we need to have consistently as an adult in order to become Secure at a deeper level.

1. Safety & Protection

2. Attunement

3. Emotional Soothing

4. Expressed Delight

5. Encouragement of Best Self & Discovery

In addition to implementing the skills and tools in this program, there are 3 primary ways to become Securely Attached as an adult.

1. A coach, therapist or mentor becomes your "Secure Base".

This is the process where, over time, the person who is supporting you becomes your "Secure Base" through the way they embody the 5 Qualities of Secure Attachment, leading to an update to your attachment system from Insecure to Secure.

The limitation of this process is that A. It requires a coach/therapist/mentor who truly embodies those qualities, and B. It can take a very long time when it's not mixed with more intensive Secure Attachment repair work (see below).

2. A partner/close friend becomes your "Secure Base".

This is where a partner becomes a "Secure" base for you by the way they embody the 5 Conditions of Secure Attachment. The limitation with this approach is that, due the prevalence of Insecure Attachment, it's rare to find a partner who is Securely Attached themselves. Additionally, a person with Insecure Attachment often finds it very difficult to feel consistently secure even IF they find a very Secure partner. For this reason, I don't recommend relying on this approach and I’ve seen many people struggle when they don’t do deeper attachment repair work.

3. The Three Pillars Treatment Model (Most Effective)

This is a revolutionary treatment protocol for adults with Insecure Attachment. Not only is your coach/therapist/mentor acting as a Secure Base, but the content of the work you do is specifically based on becoming Securely Attached at the level of your preverbal attachment system. The Three Pillars are Metacognition, Collaboration, and the Ideal Parent Figure Process.