The Pattern

By Serdar Hararovich
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People who don’t learn how to navigate conflict and differences in a healthy way tend to repeat the same cycle over and over again.

They jump from one relationship to the next, always searching for the "right" partner.

At first, they meet someone new, fall in love, and think:

“Wow, I knew it was possible! This is so easy. We just get each other.”

But then 6 weeks, 6 months, or 2 years later - when the love chemicals fade and reality sets in, the challenges arise. There’s conflict, unmet needs, or painful differences. And after enough power struggles - sometimes weeks, sometimes months - they once again say:

“Next”

And off they go again, finding someone new to repeat the same pattern, just with a new twist.

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This pattern, in various forms, is almost universal.

It’s the leading cause of relationship breakdowns.

And it's why so many promising dating connections fail - not because there’s no potential, but because one or both people never learned how to handle differences, projections, and feelings like frustration & disappointment in a healthy way.

The rarest skill in the modern relational world - even amongst those who have 'done the work' - is knowing how to work through issues without either: FIGHTING, SILENCING yourself, or RUNNING.

Healing begins when a person stops projecting this challenge 'out there' - and start to get curious how it might be playing out in your own life.

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Most of us were never taught how to navigate power struggles in relationships:

- We weren’t shown how to express feelings, without subtly blaming the other person.

- We weren't taught how to share needs, without it coming across as a demand.

- We weren’t taught how to feel hurt, without making the other person responsible for fixing it.

- We weren't modelled how to feel fully, and then respond from clarity, not reactivity.

We can, and should, have compassion for ourselves and what we missed out on as children.

It's tragic what many of us go through - including the widespread, rarely spoken-about emotional neglect and misattunement that leaves us without the secure attachment skills we were meant to develop as children.

But as adults, we need to be radically honest with ourselves about this if we want to grow into the more relationally skilled, securely grounded partners we're truly capable of becoming.

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Here’s the thing:

There are 8 billion people on the planet.

You can say “Next” for the rest of your life.

You’ll never run out of people to play out The Pattern with.

Yes, there are absolutely situations where walking away is the wisest and healthiest thing to do - especially in cases of abuse and deep neglect.

That goes without saying.

In most other situations, staying too LONG in painful dynamics often has the same cause that leaving too SOON has:

- Lacking the skills and tools to EFFECTIVELY address, talk about, and work through issues in the relationship.

Because when we can't address issues effectively, we never get clarity on when it's time to leave.

Learning these skills doesn’t guarantee every relationship can work -

But it does dramatically increase the chances that it can.

And it means that if you DO need to leave, it will be from grounded clarity -

Not from emotional reactivity.

And constantly leaving or breaking up when discomfort or challenge arises in dating?

That’s not having high standards.

That’s unhealed avoidance dressed up as empowerment.

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Relational patterns are not proof that something is wrong with us.

They are signs that something is calling in us to be listened to.

They are an invitation.

Invitations to grow.

To be humbled.

To reach for genuine, grounded support.

These are the moments when we either:

- Commit to the work of rising into a new level of relational skill and emotional maturity

Or,

- Bury our heads in the sand, blame the other person, and repeat the same patterns for another decade or two.

It shouldn't come as a surprise which path most people choose.

It's the one that's easiest at first, while creating the deepest pain and suffering long term.

Real, vulnerable, soulful intimacy that lasts longer than the honeymoon phase doesn't just happen.

It's not just luck.

It's a skillset that must be developed.

And most people lack these skills,

Skills which go much deeper than using 'I need' and 'I feel' statements.

But you CAN cultivate them.

You CAN listen to the invitation that's been calling,

For years, if not decades for many people.

You won’t learn them, though, if you always blame others - or if you listen to those who say it's always about the other person:

The other person is always the Avoidant. The Emotionally Immature One.

You just happen to keep picking them,

and as long as you keep saying "next", everything will eventually work out.

That sounds awfully convenient, doesn't it?

If only there weren't millions of people already trying this out, finding out the hard way that The Pattern keeps coming back into their lives - just with a new face each time.

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The people who truly grow, are the ones who stop looking for the perfect partner,

and start BECOMING the kind of partner who can meet these challenges in a new way.

By becoming that person, they also attract that kind of partner too.

The one's who allow love to humble them.

The ones who will no longer allow the wounds of the past to determine their future.

Not just in words or in theory - but in the actions they take now to make that a reality.

The one's who let love INSPIRE them to do the vulnerable thing and reach out for help.

Who answer the call from their soul to go deeper into themselves,

allowing them to then meet others in new depths of love, intimacy and harmony.

Radical self-honesty.

Meeting ourselves fully.

Relational mastery.

Deep, soulful intimacy.

It's time to answer the call.