The Relationship Lies Sold To Women

By Serdar Hararovich
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One of the biggest lies sold to women, is that basically she just needs to find the right "Masculine Man" who can "hold space" for her.

It's a lie designed to manipulate women, especially women who experienced childhood emotional neglect. Here's how:

When we miss out on certain experiences in childhood, we tend to feel a disproportionate need for them in our adult relationships. In some cases, it's the need for a perfectly soothing & space-holding partner, who's capable of putting aside all their own feelings for you - no matter how you're behaving or communicating.

The problem is, this doesn't exist in healthy adult relationships. The way you communicate with someone ALWAYS has an effect on them. Men are not robots. An emotionally healthy adult male is not one who taught himself how to disassociate while his partner regresses into unhealthy styles of communicating - no matter how many polarity workshops he's done.

The perfectly soothing & space-holding is an experience that you're supposed to receive through a therapist or attachment-informed coach. Everyone deserves to experience the profound healing that happens through this kind of process. The healing power of these corrective experiences is why I do what I do.

However, unless you receive that very important & healing 'corrective experience' in a therapeutic setting, there's always going to be a part of you hoping that your PARTNER will be the PARENT you never had.

The things we missed out in childhood don't go away... they either get channelled into a healthy, intentional healing process - or they become the wounds and shadows sabotaging our relationships.

It'll never be said out-loud - it'll simply be a dynamic that keeps playing out in your relationships. "I want you to be the parent I never had... why aren't you putting aside all your own needs and feelings and being the person you never agreed to be for me?"

This is the unconscious power struggle playing out in many relationship conflicts right now.

The reality is this:

Without developing your own emotional regulation skills through a therapeutic process, no matter how emotionally safe your partner actually is, you will not feel safe. Your dysregulation - and the flow-on effects of that, through your actions and reactions - will damage the emotional safety of the relationship. You will both spiral into destructive co-dysregulation, rather than co-regulation.

This will happen even if your partner is a professional space holder. If you speak to your partner FROM your triggers, you will eventually end up sabotaging the relationship. This is not intentional, but it is happening in countless connections around the world.

Adults cannot co-regulate with each other unless BOTH of them have some degree of emotional regulation skills - not just one of them.

This goes for BOTH men & women.

The most fundamental version of emotional regulation is being able to pause before speaking. That means responding, instead of reacting, to a trigger.

Responding to a trigger means learning how to speak ABOUT the trigger, rather than FROM the trigger. An example of that would be to say something like "I'm noticing I'm feeling really impacted by this... I think I need a moment to catch my breath..."

This is the most simple version of emotional regulation. Although it sounds simple, it takes a LOT of practice in a safe therapeutic setting for a person to be able to embody this skill in the moments where it matters the most. I have had clients who are therapists with many years of experience, who are still working at building their ability to do this in the more challenging moments.

There are more advanced levels of it, but this is the beginning.

Without this skill, you could meet the most secure, emotionally healthy individual you've ever met, but the unhealed wounds of the past will likely end up sabotaging it.

The wounded teachings and the fantasy version of relationships being sold to individuals is damaging people's chances of healthy love.

It's important to say these words are not intended to be discouraging, nor chastising or shaming.

Instead, this is a reminder - a reminder of the importance of genuine healing work. That real healing is a thing, that there's nothing more worth it, but it takes time, commitment, and consistency, not one-off healing sessions, psychedelic journeys and breathwork retreats.

Developing healthy, secure relationship skills is the humble work people are doing in the background - the thing that doesn't get attention online, but is leading them to the most fulfulling relationships of their lives. Just read any of the testimonials or emails I've received from my clients recently.

This is a reminder that most of what you see online is all show, a distraction designed to capture your attention. Whether that's the fantasy of Polarity teachings, "tradwife" trends or whatever else will become the new thing in 2025.

This is a reminder that society doesn't care whether we ever learn these skills. It's happy for us to keep being distracted by whatever next comes along. The less happy a person is - the less they are able to find and keep healthy connections in their life - the more likely that person is to remain stuck in endless cycles of distraction & instant gratification that makes it even harder for them to get the support they need. It's a vicious cycle.

The cultures of distraction we live in don't care if you ever learn the deeper skills of true intimacy. You need to be the one who cares. The one with enough self-honouring boundaries to take action to prioritise this area of your life.

One of the very few who stopped scrolling, and started healing.