Authenticity vs Reactivity

By Serdar Hararovich
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Authenticity can easily turn into emotional volatility if it isn't balanced with emotional safety and healthy communication skills.

A client asked me:

"Isn't it healthy to be authentic the way I was with him?"

Here’s what I believe:

Yes, authenticity is essential. But if your version of authenticity causes others to lose trust in you, to feel it's safer to distance themselves, or protect (defend) themselves, then the authenticity is out of balance.

Even more so when authenticity is just a cover for criticism & covert blame.

Being authentic doesn’t mean saying everything that’s on your mind or heart in any way you choose. Emotionally healthy communication is about connection: It’s about helping someone understand you, and to feel with you.

If your words create disconnection, distance or fear, then they’re not aligned with the values of emotionally healthy connection.

Many people are learning to share their truth and speak up more openly. That's important work, it’s a huge part of what I help people with, and it matters.

But there's a deeper level to that work: learning how to share your truth and share feelings in a way that’s emotionally regulated, clear, and emotionally safe. That's when the deeper intimacy can begin: When both individuals feel emotionally safe.

Some say, "It’s not your responsibility how others receive your words.”

Sure, there’s some truth there. But that idea, taken too far, becomes destructive: whether it’s the extreme of silencing yourself, or the other extreme - expressing yourself from your anger, frustration or resentment.

If you don't care how your partner receives your truth, if you refuse to take any responsibility for the impact of your communication, you will never build emotional safety. And without emotional safety, there is no relationship, there is no intimacy, and eventually, there will be no love either.

Just two people protecting their hearts from each other - in the same room, yet alone.