6 Stages of Healing

Stage 0: No Awareness

At this stage, we don’t have awareness of the patterns that are playing out in our lives. 

We might be triggered often, we might be in an unfulfilling or destabilizing relationship, and we might be operating out of early life conditioning in ways that are detrimental to our well-being.

Yet we don’t have awareness that there are clearly identifiable patterns at play, with identifiable themes, predictable outcomes, and solutions. 

Stage 1: Awareness

At this stage, we have become more aware that there are certain patterns in our lives playing out. Even if our awareness is not 100% developed, awareness is growing.

At this stage of the process, we are usually consuming awareness-enhancing content online, going to workshops and retreats or taking courses.

Stage 2: Experimentation

Many people go through a period of experimentation. This is often a helpful process as people are learning and discovering what actually helps them. It can however also take people down roads that are not helpful and which prolong their healing process.

Stage 3: Blame

At this early stage, it’s common for people to assign responsibility for the patterns in our lives onto other people. When things don’t go well in our relationships, we will assign responsibility to our current partner, dates or other people we encounter.

It’s more likely to get stuck here when we have unresolved shame, which makes it more difficult to take ownership of our role in the patterns in our lives without feeling bad about ourselves. 

It’s also very difficult to see what is ours, and what is other’s responsibility, from our own subjective 1st person experience.

Additionally, if we feel pressure to be further along the healing journey than we are (for example, because we are offering healing services to others), that can prevent us from taking ownership of our patterns.

Stage 4: Taking Ownership

This is the stage of healing where we start to take responsibility for our part in the patterns in our lives in a balanced & specific way - as in getting specific about what is our responsibility, and what is not.

Some people take too much responsibility, and blame themselves for everything. This can even become extreme to the point of blaming one’s own mindset for every outcome in one’s life. This is not balanced or realistic.

Others take no ownership, and assign responsibility to everyone but themselves. This is also not balanced or healthy.

Stage 5: Misdiagnosis

As people progress through the stages of healing, it’s common for people to have their patterns mis-assessed - either by themselves or others.

Example: I had a client come to with a self-assessed issue of being too in her Masculine, and not being able to trust, soften and surrender with Men.

However, what became clear was that her insecure attachment style had been amplified by negative romantic experiences. What this meant in practice was that she had never experienced a collaborative way of addressing her mistrust with Men in a constructive way that led to a positive outcome. She didn’t know that was even possible, or what it would sound like. It was never part of her reality.

After modeling this process with her, she had what’s called a corrective experience. She got to experience a safe, collaborative and constructive conversation about fears & insecurities.

After this, she reported that she felt a deeper sense of trust in herself (and others) and felt more open to deepening with Men. She found that this helped her more than when she was trying to force herself to be more soft & surrendered.

Stage 6: Deeper Healing

After a period of experimentation and trial & error (which can take years), if we are guided well, we often settle upon a pathway towards healing that works for us.

There is no single pathway for any individual.

However, once we accurately identify the cause of our patterns in a grounded & precise manner (Ie, not blaming our issues on “entities” or vague terms like “codependency” and “ego mind”), a personalized pathway to healing should become clear.

True healing usually takes time and commitment - stage 6 is actually the beginning of a longer process. It’s where we are now committing to the steps required to heal. Commitment means perseverance and consistency.

Stage 6 often means we spend less time seeking peak experiences, or promises of ultimate enlightenment and complete freedom from all unhappiness… and more time doing the grounded work that we now know we need to do.

Stages of healing are not necessarily linear. We may get to Stage 6 but occasionally dip into stage #2 (Experimentation), or find ourselves blaming other people (Stage #3).

However, the grounding of Stage 6 means that we have something solid to return to as we continue our journey of healing as well as our journey of living, becoming and unfolding into the fullness of life.