5. Step-By-Step Texting Trigger Process

Triggers occur as a result of a deep part of the brain that is registering an event as a threat to your relationship, and therefore your survival (abandonment used to mean death for human beings.)

Working through triggers is about calming that part of the brain down enough that we can respond, rather than react.

1. Take several deep breaths. Hold breath for a few seconds then let go for a few seconds. Place hands on body in a comforting way to reassure yourself that you are safe.

2. Repeat to yourself words that feel soothing, for eg. "This has happened before (a trigger), and I was okay. I will be okay. I am safe."

3. Write a response in your Notes App/Notepad to 'get it out' if you need to. Do NOT send it.

4. Take a walk, go for a drive, or speak to someone who can help you with how you're feeling. Make sure that the person you select is not the kind of person who demonises your partners when things go wrong, and instead can you help you find comfort and soothing without demonising other people. Either way, try to find something you can do for at least an hour to give yourself time to calm your nervous system.

5. Ask yourself what you need, and how to best communicate that if there is something you need to address with the person.

In the early stages of dating, you may want to wait until you next see the person to address the issue, or you may want to set up a phone call or simply call them.

Example: "I'm noticing something coming up for me around the conversation we were having. Would we be able to have a chat later tonight?"

In the later stages of dating or a relationship, you may want to address it more immediately. This could look like calling them, or letting them know you need to talk soon.

For eg. "I'm feeling a trigger/feeling insecure/feeling worried and I'd love to talk to you soon. When could we talk?"

Note: If you are in connection with someone and would like to stay connected to them, never send a message or a voice note that suggests a relationship could be ending soon, or threatens that possibility. This is likely to trigger them for the reasons mentioned above. Make sure to set up at least a phone call at the very least.